I love my family. Can I just repeat that? I LOVE my FAMILY!!! Every year we have an annual Christmas party (usually themed) for my brothers and sisters. Sam and Marilyn were in charge this year. When we got our invitation, Michael thought it was junk mail. He was just getting irate at "the NERVE of these people for inviting us to some breakfast convention thing to get money out of us and asking us to bring avocados and sour cream!" Then he recognized Marilyn's signature. Oops. At least he didn't notice that he was on the list of presenters, that really would have eaten him.
Our theme this year was BACON. We were some group named NOCAB (and don't ask me what it meant, I just remember it tasted good). After a delightful breakfast buffet, we had presentations at which we even had Sen. David Benge speak, a reformed KKK member (who used to be a hater because he wouldn't eat brown eggs, but now he's been converted!), and had a seance by a syrup medium Madam ZaJane Hunt. We discussed in depth how the term "nooks and crannies" is distinctly pornographic, and how brunch is a bastardization of breakfast.
Don't you wish you were a Nielson???
I couldn't understand half of it, which is why of course I laughed so hard. I dare you to claim to understand the financial properties and all the different properties of egg laying from different chickens.
LT Gen. Michael Adams talked about the pancake and waffle battle formations and his time as a POW. I was assigned to be a theater critic and talk about Breakfast on Broadway. That's about the time that I stopped getting excited to go. I was thrilled to watch everyone else make fools of themselves, but ask me to be creative and expecting me to be funny...that's a little too much.
Anyway, I did a preview for the new smash-hit Broadway musical: Green Eggs and Ham. My family wants me to post the lyrics, so here goes: (Each song goes to one page of the book, give or take a few pages.)
(To the music of Honey Bun from South Pacific)
"A hundred and onePounds of fun, That's your little honey bun!
Get a load of Sam-I-Am tonight!"
(To Can't Help Loving 'Dat Man of Mine from Porgy and Bess)
"Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly; I gotta be one man til I die.
Can't help being the Sam-Am-I"
(to You Can't Get a Man with a Gun from Annie get your gun)
"Oh you can't shoot a man with a gun! With a gun! With a gun!
Even though that man may be Sam-I-Am!"
(To I Feel Pretty from West Side Story)
"Are you Hungry? Oh so Hungry?
Why not try these fresh green eggs and ham?
I just made them. Made by hand, by the great Sam-I-Am."
(To Any Dream Will Do from Joseph)
"I close my eyes, And I plug my nose
'Cause I'm sure I'll puke At the sight of those."
(To Merry Widow Waltz)
"Would you like them Here or there Or anywhere?"
(To I Hate People from Scrooge)
"I hate green eggs! I hate ham!
Green things are despicable entrees
Looking Gross and flickable on trays
I HATE green eggs! I deplore them!
(To All I ask of You from Phantom)
"Just Say you'll eat some with me now and always.
Say you'll eat some with this small mouse too.
Just one bite and you'll be hooked forever.
Anywhere: perhaps this house will do.
Green eggs won't give you stomach flu!"
(Poor Unfortunate Souls from Little Mermaid)
"Well those green eggs and that ham are rather nasty!
I wasn't kidding when I said that I'd throw up!
And my darling, please don't laugh, but they'd prob'ly give me gas!
They are slimy, undercooked; I might blow up! (Putrescent!)"
(Master of the House from Les Mis)
"Eat them in a box, Eat them with a fox.
If you wait too long they'll be as hard as rocks.
Food beyond compare! Food beyond belief!
If it will help ya eat it, you can call it beef!
Everybody loves these green eggs! Everybody loves this ham!
You can try to win those cravings but they'll beat you in the end!"
(I Like Him from Man of La Mancha)
"I don't like them. I REALLY don't like them!
They give me gag reflexes just to smell, I won't like them!
You may say how healthy they are; Pack'd with protein and...caviar!
But I'll yell to the sky, tho' I can't tell you why That I won't like them!"
(Adelaide's Lament from Guys and Dolls)
The average uncultured male Spoil'd and hyper tense
Due to some long frustration may react
To flavorful exotic cuisine Like he cannot endure
The salivation such aromas one might present!"
(page turn)
"In other words just from looking at food and offered to try a bit,
A person....might throw a fit!"
(Why Can't a Woman Be More Like a Man from My Fair Lady)
"Why can't my answer be just a 'No'? No's are so simple! So obvious and low.
But here I must shout it, for your brain is slow! Why can't my answer be...a 'no'?!"
(From the train song in Music Man)
"You can talk, you can talk, you can bicker, you can talk
But it's different than you think..."(page turn)
"No it ain't no it' ain't! Is my whole face turning pink?!"
(Memory from Cats)
"Eat some! my dear boy won't you eat some? All alone in this dark cave
So the rats will not come.The rats love them as I am sure that you will too.
Eat them quickly, Eat them, do!"
(Rollerskate Rag from Funny Girl)
"I will not eat them with a fox or a mouse!
I will not like them in a box or a house!
Not in the rain!Not on a train!
I will not eat them here or there or anywhere!"
(page turn)"You do not like green eggs and ham?
No I do not like them, Sam-I-Am!"
(Who Will Buy from Oliver)
"Who will eat my green eggs and ham?
Who will try; he'll be a great guy!
Who can help but love the spices"
(page turn)"Of wonderful green eggs and ham!"
(How do you solve from Sound of Music)
"How do you solve a problem like Sam-I am?
How do you get him to accept a 'no'?
How do you stand a man with green eggs and ham?"
(page turn)"I do not like it! You make me sick! Go Away!"
(Tomorrow from Annie)
Tomorrow, tomorrow! I'll eat some tomorrow! Just leave me alone today!"
(Poor Judd from Oklahoma)
You don't like them so you say,
But if you really try them then you may! (Then you may!)"
(Stars from Les Mis)
"All Right. I'll eat that ham.
Though I don't want to. Though it disgusts me.
I'll eat it right up.
Don't suppose you'll look away? All right, you're sure?
Must I eat the eggs too? Even all of the goo?"
(Transformation from Jekyll and Hyde)
"7:53 AM. I have just ingested 2.8 ounces of green eggs and ham. No noticeable behavioral differences...Bwahahahaaa!"
(Getting to know you from King and I)
"Getting to taste you Getting to taste all your flavors.
Getting to like you Getting to hope you like me.
Haven't you noticed suddenly I'm smiley and bright
because of all the beautiful and new things I'm tasting within you
bite by bite."
(For we need a little Christmas from Mame)
"For we need a little breakfast
Right this very minute!
Parfaits in the cooler; Bacon on the skillet.
And we get a little snappy if we do not eat it.
We need a little breakfast now!"
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